I had kind of a shitty morning. Bad days happen during regular life, but it was a bit of a surprise to be in a foul mood while on vacation, even a long one.

During my last week of work, I interviewed for a new project-based role on my team. We first learned of the position in December and couldn’t have imagined it would take until April to publish and open for applications. In fact, getting close to my leave, I’d already figured I wasn’t going to be able to apply because there wasn’t time to interview after the posting closed.

Well, the posting went up at the end of my penultimate week, and my manager’s manager let the team know that interviews would be conducted concurrently with the opening. Without anyone saying so, I knew this was so I could apply.

I had updated my resume in January for a different application, but it still needed customizing for this one and I needed to write a new cover letter from scratch. My mind and spare time were consumed with trip prep, and fitting in a job application was stressful and inconvenient, given that I’d let go of the idea that I’d have the chance. Still, I wanted the promotion and I was ready to take on the new challenge of different work.

I was scheduled for 3 interviews on my last day of work. The first one was at 8:00, and I’m not usually up until 9:30. I hadn’t slept enough; I’d stayed up too late researching or booking something or another. Surprisingly, the first interview went very well. I had two mid-afternoon, the first of which went pretty OK and the last could have gone a lot better. Silver lining: that one was with my lead, who best knows the quality of my work.

Despite the entire point of a sabbatical being a rest from work, I was told I’d need to be in touch to accept the role if offered. Rather than checking email, I asked my lead to text me on WhatsApp. I hadn’t heard anything, so I had a look at work email this morning.

To confess, I had just caught up on work email (minimal attention paid, mostly deleting things) two days ago. The notice had come in right around that time. I must have just missed it, which was good because it would have ruined my wine tasting day. Obviously, from the title and opening lines of this post, I didn’t get it.

There were actually two openings of the same role and three of us on the team applying. One of my best friends, Shelby, has been runner-up for everything she has applied for in the last two years, despite being highly qualified each time. She feared the same would happen here, and no matter how hard she brought it, I would be selected by seniority. I am ecstatic for her that she finally gets an opportunity to put her skills to work.

Myself, I feel completely unmoored. This sabbatical is a dividing line between the work I’d been doing for 3-1/2 years, without the position ever existing on paper, and whatever comes next, and I was hoping I would know what that is upon my return. I feel the rejection that always comes with not getting a role applied for, with the bonus anxiety of not having any idea where I fit on my team anymore.

This won’t ruin the rest of my trip. I know it will pass if I allow it to move through me. Sure sucks today, though.