I had reservations about attending a share circle.  My irrational fears included being surrounded by earth mothers in floor-length velvet dresses holding blessed crystals and chanting.  I don’t know where I got the idea that that’s who would be attending and that that’s what would happen, but as it turns out, I made it all up.

There were 8 of us at first, male and female and all ages.  Six had been attuned to Reiki, and two of us had not.  There were two tables to practice on, and the original idea was for four people on each table to take 20-minute turns, one person receiving and three people giving Reiki.  As we sat and introduced ourselves first, a 9th person arrived, which turned out to be an interesting development.

The introductions presented a theme of the day, which was cancer.  Sabrina had just finished chemo and radiation a month ago, one man was there because of his experience with Reiki and a friend of his with cancer, and one woman became a Reiki practitioner as a result of having received Reiki when she had cancer six years ago.

We moved the tables to the center of the room and split into two groups, five on one and four on another.  After we got going, Michelle had a brainstorm: if Sabrina could wait to go last, then after the original idea of four turns per table was complete, she could receive Reiki from everyone else all at once.

On my table, I was the first to receive.  After having just gotten an hour of Reiki yesterday, it felt like a bonus to receive another 20 minutes from three practitioners.  But then my turn was over, and I was completely at a loss for what to do.  I was invited to explore the recipient’s energy and pretend I knew what I was doing, but for a long time, I just sat and observed.  I learned what a Reiki session looks like on the practitioner’s end.  I’d never seen this before as I always had my eyes closed when I received on the table.

Observing was great, but I wanted to do more.  As I considered getting up to explore and ‘act as if’ as I had been invited to do, however, I found myself experiencing strong fear and self-doubt.  A very loud part of me felt completely convinced that I was never going to be able to do Reiki, no matter how much effort I put into it.  All my feelings from massage school 14 years ago came rushing in.  I went through a 10-month program and came out of it with technical skill and knowledge but no real confidence in my ability to develop them into a practice.

The feeling of stuckness was so familiar to me as to be second nature, and at the same time something I rejected – finally, FINALLY – as no longer defining my station in life.  I said ‘fuck you very much’ to the voice in my head and approached the table.

I moved my hands over the recipient taking her turn – Michelle as timing would have it – and made an effort to sense the flow of energy or hot spots or cool spots.  I felt none of these things, so I positioned my hands and, with the purest of intentions, sent love and light through them.  Michelle had shared with me yesterday an analogy for practicing Reiki: turn on the faucet and walk away.  The practitioner is not the source of the energy, merely a conduit.  So that’s what I did.

When it was Sabrina’s turn to receive, the six people who’d been attuned stood all the way around the table and gave her Reiki together.  It was beautiful.

But the best part of the day for me was overcoming my self-imposed limitations.  For the first time I can recall, I pushed through the very fears I have allowed to hold me back for way, way too long.